5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

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Iris Wu
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註冊時間: 週二 5月 20, 2014 4:33 pm

5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Iris Wu »

Deal All:

It was once a frenzy of “weekend spirit”, but now it seems it's winding down at our Saturday gatherings. Just hope we can get some enthusiasm back onto our table on Saturdays! Don't let Tuesday folks have all the fun!

On 5/21, if you are free, just drop by and have a chat about “Nonviolent Communication”.
Nonviolent Communication Summary (NVC): A Concise Guide to Nonviolent Communication
http://www.wanttoknow.info/inspiration/ ... ummary_nvc
(Or the NVC "Quotes" make it easier to grasp some of the concepts: http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/ ... quotes.htm)

What is “Nonviolent Communication”?
  • "Violent" vs "Nonviolent" Communication”
    If "violent" means acting in ways that result in harm, then much of how we communicate — with moralistic judgments, evaluations, criticisms, demands, coercion, or labels of "right" versus "wrong" — could indeed be called violent.
    Unaware of the impact, we judge, label, criticize, command, demand, threaten, blame, accuse and ridicule. Speaking and thinking in these ways often leads to inner wounds, which in turn often evolve into depression, anger or physical violence.

    ( http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/ ... cation.htm)

    Wiki: Nonviolent" Communication
    Nonviolent communication (abbreviated NVC, also called compassionate communication or collaborative communication) is a communication process developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s.
    Nonviolent communication is based on the idea that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violence or behavior that harms others when they don't recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.


    The Purpose of NVC...
    To inspire compassionate, heartfelt connection so that all needs may be valued
    To connect to the life in ourselves and others
    To be inspired and to inspire others to give from the heart


    What NVC is not …
    NVC is not about being nice; it's about being real. It's not about stifling intensity, but transforming it.
    NVC is not about changing other people or getting them to do what we want. It's about creating connection & understanding.
    NVC is not a technique or formula. It's a process that helps guide our consciousness to a new awareness.
What do you think of the following statements?
  • “John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.”
    “You always forget what I told you to do.”
    “My wife hardly express any affection.”
    “Please do not shout in this room.”
    “I’d like you to feel more confidence in yourself.”
    “Your dog just made a mess on my lawn.”
    “You are so smart. Our team cannot do without you in this competition.”
    “Hey kids, flashlights aren’t toys. Don’t waste batteries. They cost money.”
Do they all sound fine to you? Don't we all say something like that in our daily conversation? If yes, then, maybe we can meet on 5/21, sit back, have some light refreshments, and re-examine our everyday dialogues to see if any NVC tips may help us decompose our unspoken “observations, feelings, needs and requests” into clear communication and inject “empathy and compassion” into our conversations with our loved ones, friends or coworkers to reduce any unnecessary conflicts?

Session I:
1. What is the ideal communication? What blocks us from getting it?

2. Distinguishing Evaluation from Observation (The 1st Component of NVC)
  • “When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying.”

    Exercise: “Observation or Evaluation?” (Each group will be given some statements to work on.)
    Group Discussion: What kind of “Evaluations” irritate you the most or vise versa (i.e. what you annoy others easily)? What did you get with this type of conversation?
3. Expressing Feelings and Taking Responsibility for our Feelings (The 2nd and 3rd Components of NVC)
  • “What others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause of, our feelings.”
    “We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.”
    Build a vocabulary of feelings, clearly identify our emotions, allow us to be vulnerable: All that may help resolve the conflicts.


    What do you feel differently about the following two statements?
    - “I feel really infuriated when you made such lousy mistakes in our public brochures.”
    - “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”


    Describe a scenario, in which you expressed yourself with (or without) taking responsibility for your feelings and needs. What was the result?
Session II:
1. Expressing Requests (The 4th Components of NVC)
  • "Requests: avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing; use positive language by stating what we ARE requesting rather than what we are NOT."

    Exercise: Identify Clear Requests: Each group will be given a couple statements to work on.
2. Each group comes up with a scenario and a set of statements (or dialogues) to include all four components of NVC.
  • Example:
    “Hi, Felix, when I (1) see socks under the coffee table I (2) feel irritated because I am needing (3) more order in the room that we share in common. (4) Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine? [If the response lacks clarity or seems disconnected, then request feedback.] (5) So I know that you understood me, would you tell me what you heard me say?”
3. What do you think about NVC? In what kind of situations would it not work and how should we deal with that?

4. (Bonus Question) What are the differences between NVC and "politically correct"?

[Notes: If you can come on time that would be great. To reward that, some light refreshments will be provided at 4pm. After the meeting, if anyone would like to stay for a dinner chat, we can do that. :)]

********************************************************************************************************************************************
Agenda:
3:45 ~ 4:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
4:00 ~ 4:10pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
4:10 ~ 4:50pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
4:50 ~ 5:10pm Summarization (20 mins)
5:10 ~ 5:15pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
5:15 ~ 5:55pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
6:00 ~ 6:20pm Summarization (20 mins)
6:20 ~ 6:30pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements ********************************************************************************************************************************************
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聚會時間:請準時 4:00 pm 到 ~ 約 6:30 pm 左右結束
星期六聚會地點:丹堤濟南店
地址、電話:台北市濟南路三段25號 地圖 (02) 2740-2350
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Michael-liu
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註冊時間: 週五 4月 24, 2009 6:09 pm

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Michael-liu »

Iris, this article inspired me. It may save my marriage.

As you have witnessed many times, I often use violent communication to the mother of my child.

From now on, I hope I can the follow the way of this nonviolent communication when argument happens

Although it is easier said than done, I still need to try my best
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Rock
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註冊時間: 週三 10月 31, 2007 9:03 am

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Rock »

That is some confession. Way to go, Michael!!!
Your wife must be proud of you, and your daughter, too. :D
Iris Wu
YOYO member
文章: 894
註冊時間: 週二 5月 20, 2014 4:33 pm

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Iris Wu »

I just love YoYo! :)

Actually I was thinking to make this confession in the meeting (because the audience would be smaller than the one on the forum), but Michael inspires me, too! You know why I chose this topic? It is because my son said to me, "Mom, you should read this book, "Nonviolent Communication"!" That says a lot for what kind of Mom I am, right? :)

Yes, it is a challenging commitment to keep! I guess I will try to think twice before I make a judgmental statement and examine if I am taking responsibility for my feelings, but I have to say the most difficult thing is to express our needs clearly because many of our needs are so deep and so vulnerable, like, "need to be respected, valued, cared" that we expect others to sense it automatically. I think this kind of unspoken needs is one of major roadblocks to a pleasant communication and I don't know what would be the good solution for it?
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Rock
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註冊時間: 週三 10月 31, 2007 9:03 am

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Rock »

Iris Wu 寫:...That says a lot for what kind of Mom I am, right? :)
Tiger Mom? :lol: You do look like a mom who is serious about her children's education.

But that's a good thing. It seems that your son knows NVC already. He must be great at communicating with people, especially his mom, right? (If he isn't, give him back the book and tell him to read it himself. :wink: )

On the second thought, if you had not been a Tiger Mom, would your son learn NVC so soon? To me, those unspoken road blocks seem not easy to break by easy talk, either.
Iris Wu
YOYO member
文章: 894
註冊時間: 週二 5月 20, 2014 4:33 pm

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Iris Wu »

Actually I was more like a “Soccer Mom” than a “Tiger Mom”! :wink:
I don't think I set high standards or imposed strict rules on my son, but instead the problem might be that I tried to lay a guilt trip on him when he did not do his best. [We will practice to identify these type of conversations during the meeting.]
Rock 寫:On the second thought, if you had not been a Tiger Mom, would your son learn NVC so soon? To me, those unspoken road blocks seem not easy to break by easy talk, either.
He's read the book and he is supposedly knowing the NVC very well. Is he a better communicator now? Does NVC really help people communicate better? These are excellent questions! I am waiting to see the results, too! :)

Those unspoken needs (respect, value, love...), sometimes are basic human dignity related. The more I think about it, the more I feel those are the stuff that you will need to "earn it" instead of "asking for it". So, right, I don't know how NVC is going to help on this?
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Rock
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文章: 2162
註冊時間: 週三 10月 31, 2007 9:03 am

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Rock »

Iris Wu 寫: ...Does NVC really help people communicate better? These are excellent questions! I am waiting to see the results, too! :)

Those unspoken needs (respect, value, love...), sometimes are basic human dignity related. The more I think about it, the more I feel those are the stuff that you will need to "earn it" instead of "asking for it". So, right, I don't know how NVC is going to help on this?

Anyone who can finish reading the book will be better. Those tips acts as reminders when we are in need; few reminders are better than no reminder. If the book doesn't work, read it again. 8)

About those unspoken basic human-dignity-related needs, I used to fight for them, but only in vain. So I've surrendered and given up. With no expectations, life goes better. I told Michael this secret of happiness, but he just said it's not possible....
Iris Wu
YOYO member
文章: 894
註冊時間: 週二 5月 20, 2014 4:33 pm

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Iris Wu »

Rock 寫:Those tips acts as reminders when we are in need.
Very true! It is tedious to digest all the theories of NVC, so use the tips as a reminder when needed!
I do find the quotes and examples are more useful and easier to comprehend, so I just added this link on the main post: http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/ ... quotes.htm
Pick and choose what applicable to you. Hope it helps!
Iris Wu
YOYO member
文章: 894
註冊時間: 週二 5月 20, 2014 4:33 pm

Re: 5/21 (Sat.) Nonviolent Communication (Host: Iris)

文章 Iris Wu »

Attendees:
Arthur, Carrie, Claire, David Jr. Howard, Iris, Julian, Kelly, Laura, Leon, Michael, Ramesh, Sabrina, Shirley, Steve, Tashi

Thank you all for your participation!

NVC Exercises (For Your Reference Only)
Q3: Taking Responsibility for your feelings
  • 1. “You irritate me when you leave company documents on the conference room floor.”
    NVC: “I am irritated when you leave the company documents on the conference room floor, because I want our documents to be safely stored and accessible.”

    2. “I feel frustrated when you come late.”
    NVC: “I feel frustrated when you come late, because I was hoping we'd be able to get some front-row seats.”

    3. “I feel disappointed because you said you would do it and you didn't.”
    NVC: “When you said you'd do it and then didn't, I feel disappointed because I want to be able to rely upon your words.”
    NVC: “I am sad that you won't be coming for dinner because I was hoping we could spend the evening together.”

    4. “Little things people say sometimes hurt me.”
    NVC: “Sometimes when people say little things, I feel hurt because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”

    5. “I feel happy that you received that award.”
    NVC: “When you received that award, I felt happy because I was hoping you'd be recognized for all the work you'd put into the project.”

    6. “I feel scared when you raise your voice.”
    NVC: “When you raise your voice, I feel scared because I’m telling myself someone might get hurt here, and I need to know that we’re all safe.”

    7. NVC: “I feel angry when you say that, because I am wanting respect and I hear your words as an insult.”

    8. NVC: “I am sad that you won't be coming for dinner because I was hoping we could spend the evening together.”

    9. NVC: “I'm grateful that you offered me a ride because I was needing to get home before my children come back.”
Making Requests:
  • 1. “You have to attend school until you're 18.”
    NVC: “We'd like you to attend school until you are 18 because we value a solid education.”

    2. “I want you to understand me.”
    NVC: “I want you to tell me what you heard me say.”

    3. “I'd like you to feel more confidence in yourself.”
    NVC: “I'd like to take a course in assertiveness training, which I believe would increase your self-confidence.”

    4. “I want you to stop drinking.”
    NVC: “I want you to tell me what needs of yours met by drinking and discuss with me other ways of meeting these needs.”

    5. “I'd like you to let me be me.”

    6. “I'd like you to be honest with me about yesterday's meeting.”
    NVC: “I want you to tell me how you feel about what I did and what you'd like me to do differently in yesterday's meeting.”

    7. “I would like you to be a better driver.”
    NVC: “I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.”

    8. “I'd like to get to know you better.”
    NVC: “I'd like you to tell me if you would be willing to meet for lunch once a week.”

    9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
    NVC: “I'd like you to agree to knock before you enter my office.”

    11. “Please do not shout in this room.”
    NVC: “Please talk in low voice in this room.”
Scenarios and statements to use all 4 components (observation, feeling, need and request)
  • ● “Your dog just made a mess on my lawn.”
    NVC: “When I see your dog leaving turds on the lawn, I feel upset. We have kids who play here and I want the yard to be safe, clean space for them. Would you be willing to use this plastic bag to remove the turds?”

    ● “Yelling obscenities isn’t going to get you what you want.”
    NVC: “When I hear you addressing me like that, I feel agitated because I need cooperation and a peaceful resolution of our differences. Are you
    willing to tell me what you are feeling and needing right now instead of what you think I am?”

    ● “By putting your money in mutual funds, you are just supporting guns and tobacco and sweat shops and all the things we’re trying to change in this world.”
    NVC: “When I hear you have put your money in mutual funds, I feel dejected because I’d like to see us put our resources into what we value, rather than to support guns, tobacco, and sweatshops. Would you be willing to tell me what you are feeling when you hear me say this?”

    ● “Hey kids, flashlights aren’t toys. Don’t waste batteries. They cost money.”
    NVC: “When I see you kids playing with the flashlights under the blanket, I feel uneasy. I want these flashlights to last so they’ll be available if we have an emergency. Would you be willing to put them away?”

    ● “But you told me two weeks ago that it would be fine if I were to take a long weekend this month.”
    NVC: “When I hear you say ‘no’ to my taking a long weekend this month and then remember you saying two weeks ago that it would be fine, I feel frustrated and confused. I need more clarity and some reassurance that we are communicating accurately. Would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say.”
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