2/11(Sat) How can we become less judgmental? (Host:Michael)

[Michael-liu]

We all judge others. It might be over small things, like a co-worker who took too long of a lunch break. Or it might be over bigger issues, such as a person who behaves selfishly or hurts our feelings. 

Judging is such a well-ingrained response that we hardly notice when we are doing it. We see someone, and based on their looks or actions, we pass judgment on them, usually without even knowing the person. And that’s it — that’s usually the extent of our interaction with that person. We don’t make an effort to get to know the person, or understand them, or see whether our judgment was right or not.

And let’s consider what happens when we pass judgment on people we do know. We see something they do, and get angry at it, or disappointed in that person, or think worse of them. We judge, without understanding. And that’s the end of it — we don’t try to find out more through communication and we don't build a bridge between two human beings.

However, there is a distinction between judgment and discernment. Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period. Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison (implicit or explicit) between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be.

If you have a friend who is a non-stop talker or always complaining about his/her life. Take this talkative friend as an example. To think or speak in a neutral, purely descriptive tone, “She can talk non-stop for 15 minutes,” is an example of discernment—assuming the assessment is accurate, we’re just describing the way things are.

On the other hand, to think or speak in a negative tone, “She can talk non-stop for 15 minutes,” is an example of judgment because that negative tone reveals our dissatisfaction with how she is and our desire for her to change.

Session 1

1.Do you know any people who are always judgmental? Do you have any friends who never judge others?
2.Why is being judgmental viewed as being bad? Do you agree being judgmental is human nature and no big deal?
3.What is the difference between judgmental and discerning? Please give more examples than the one in the article.

So, How can we become less judgmental?

1.Be mindful. Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak. You can’t get your words back. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. After all, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior.

2.Depersonalize. When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? “Never underestimate the pain of a person," Will Smith said, "because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.”

3.Look for basic goodness. This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.

4.Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.

5.Reframe. When someone does something you don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than you would. Or maybe they have a different timetable than you do. This may help you be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. The Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”  

6.Look at your own behavior. Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.

7.Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'm going to be a jerk today." Most of us do the best we can with the resources we have at the moment.

8.Feel good about yourself Brene´ Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because we are using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.”

And finally, remember that judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are.

Session 2

4. Do you agree “judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are” ?
5. If people whom you live together with have terrible bad habits that you can not accept, is it possible you still can be not judgmental on them?
6. Do you agree being judgmental will make people unhappy?

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Agenda:
3:45 ~ 4:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
4:00 ~ 4:10pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
4:10 ~ 4:50pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
4:50 ~ 5:10pm Summarization (20 mins)
5:10 ~ 5:15pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
5:15 ~ 5:55pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
6:00 ~ 6:20pm Summarization (20 mins)
6:20 ~ 6:30pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
聚會日期：列於該貼文主題內
聚會時間：請準時 4:00 pm 到 ~ 約 6:30 pm 左右結束
星期六聚會地點：丹堤濟南店
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走法：出忠孝新生站 3 號出口後，沿著巷子(忠孝東路三段10巷)走約 2 分鐘，到了濟南路口，左轉走約 2 分鐘即可看到。
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[Rock]

Hey, Michael, you wrote this article? Amazing! Now we have another super writer!!! How much time did you spend on it?

[Michael-liu]

Hey, Michael, you wrote this article? Amazing! Now we have another super writer!!! How much time did you spend on it?

No, Rock, you overestimated my writing skill. I just copied the content from many different articles and edited it.

It did take me a few hours to finish it, not to mention to read those articles beforehand.

[Rock]

No problem. We can still shout it out that we've got a super editor here. I read your article carefully in hope to find some typos. And you know what? No typos! I couldn't find even one single typo here. This piece of yours is meticulous!

[Rock]

I find one idea interesting in the tips:

4.Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.

This mantra is unbreakable. I tried to test it with the name "Hitler", only to find that he is also like me in every way mentioned above. The conclusion? 有教化可能，歡迎加入廢死聯盟。

[Iris Wu]

It is natural that people observe and think and make comments based on their experience and knowledge. It is very difficult to just “describe the facts” (or “perceive the way things are”) because we cannot always quantify the features of things or people clearly and exactly. We use “analogy”, then, we are running the risk of getting into the “judgment” arena. So we are constantly walking a fine line between “judgment” and “discernment”. But this doesn’t mean that we should give us an excuse to ignore the fundamental differences between the two, because obviously “judgment and discernment” do result in very different consequences. If we don’t want to hurt other people's feeling or be hurt, we’d better be “less judgmental”.

A while back, I hosted a session on the subject of “Nonviolent Communication”. When preparing that topic, I realized that the terms of “Nonviolent Communication”, “Compassionate Communication” and “Non-Judgmental Communication” are quite exchangeable. The author of Nonviolent Communication has a lot of theories to promote the awareness and workshops/exercises to help people establish the compassionate communication, but I do find out Michael’s list in this session about “How can we become less judgmental” is very precise and more practical to follow. I, especially, like these two:

• • Look for basic goodness
  • Feel good about yourself

If we can appreciate the positive side more (than criticize the negative ones), we will be better off.
“We're hard on each other because we are using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.” -- What an incredible statement!

[Kooper]

Wow, this article is so spiritual. Whether successful or not, YOYO seem to always try to make me a better person, to bring up the best in me!

The topic comes at the perfect moment. The past six months is arguably the roughest period of time in my career. Since engaging in a new business, I have been suffering severely from lack of resources, experiences and expertise, struggling to survive from day to day. Having been in over my head for such a long time makes it easy to forget that I am not the only one in a bind. As a matter of fact everyone involved suffer greatly, including those who have been giving me a hard time. They are, just like me, trying to keep their heads above water, to roll with the punches, hoping to weather the storm someday.

[Luis Ko]

originally i wanted to say the edited article was a bit baffling but, maybe that's because my English sucks. i can't get some points of the article..

but then, i got something from Kooper's reply haa..

in over my head
in a bind
to keep their heads above water
to roll with the punches
to weather the storm



by the way, i really like this explanation below, from urbandictionary, though i don't really get it either haaa~

"If you think stupid people are stupid, you are judgmental. If you think ugly people are ugly, you are judgmental.

It has adopted a negative connotation as the practice of paying any unbiased attention to behavior pattern of others becomes taboo. It's only socially acceptable to acknowledge all successes and instantly forget all failures, that way no true judgement of a person's behavior pattern can be formed. If people weren't afraid to actually tell when others were incompetent, much of modern society would unfold."

[Kooper]

originally i wanted to say the edited article was a bit baffling but, maybe that's because my English sucks. i can't get some points of the article..
but then, i got something from Kooper's reply haa..
in over my head
in a bind
to keep their heads above water
to roll with the punches
to weather the storm

Hi Luis, are you trying to say that I gave you a harder time than Michael?

[Kooper]

Iris' meeting on nonviolent communication seems very inspiring. It's a pity that I didn't make it. I definitely need to find time reading the material.

[Rock]

"If you think stupid people are stupid, you are judgmental. If you think ugly people are ugly, you are judgmental.
"

Similarly, if you think judgmental people are judgmental, you are judgmental.

[Iris Wu]

originally i wanted to say the edited article was a bit baffling but, maybe that's because my English sucks. i can't get some points of the article..
but then, i got something from Kooper's reply haa..
in over my head
in a bind
to keep their heads above water
to roll with the punches
to weather the storm

Hi Luis, are you trying to say that I gave you a harder time than Michael?

In my humble opinion, we were either out in left field or got hold of the wrong end of the stick for many examples about “being judgmental” used in the meeting. I think I am right, but if I am wrong, then I’ll have to eat crow.

OK, yes, Kooper, you are giving all of us hell of a hard time about catching up with your massive idiom repository. We need to give you a taste of your own medicine and see how you feel about it.

(It is not easy to put so many idioms together.... You guys are amazing! )

[Luis Ko]

wow~ be out in left field, get the wrong end of the stick, eat crow, and a taste of your own medicine.. mm, guess Kooper would definitely like having the taste haa~

though i had a hell of a time trying to get it, it's worth it lo~

yeah, you guys are absolutely amazing la~

[Kooper]

Words and expressions being used in the meeting
Poem means a piece of writing and is countable. Poetry refers to poems in general and is uncountable.

To some people, YOYO meetings serve as welcome respites from laborious family obligations or daily work.

Talk is cheap. In the kitchen, actions speak louder than words.

When it comes to writing, I bombard readers with excessive idioms only once in a blue moon. The accusation that I gave them a hell of a hard time is groundless and baseless.

hideout

[Rock]

Good job! I learned a lot from you guys, again.

BTW, how do you say "心得" in English? I googled it, but the only words I got were "feedback", "review", and "ideas learned". They don't seem quite right to me.