9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional Blackmail (Andy)

9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional Blackmail (Andy)

文章Andy » 週六 9月 16, 2017 12:19 pm

Hello! I'm Andy. It's my pleasure to be the host. Let's discuss two topics, attachment style and emotional blackmail, on September 19. :D

Session 1: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship
Article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co ... lationship

圖檔

[Questions]
1. Which attachment style do you think you are, and why?
2. How do you get along with your family members, friends or romantic partners whose attachment styles are different from you and what are the most unbearable behaviors they have?
3. Do you think how your partner acts can affect your attachment style? What attachment style you want your partner to have and why?

Session 2: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
Article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional ... -guilt-fog

Common Controller Styles
There are are a number of styles of controlling behavior. Each type of controller operates with a different vocabulary, and each gives a different spin to the demands, pressure, threats and negative judgments that they use.

Punishers - Eat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt you. Punishers are the most explicit. They let us know exactly what they want and the consequences we’ll face if we don’t give it to them. They may express themselves aggressively or they may smolder in silence. In escalated situations, the threatened consequences of not acceding to a controller can be significant: abandonment, emotional cutoff, the withholding of money or other resources. The most terrifying extreme is explosive anger and/or threats of physical harm.

Self-punishers - Eat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt myself. Self-punishers turn the threats inward, threatening what they will do to themselves if they don’t get their way. High drama and an air of crisis, often blamed on the controlled, surround self-punishers who are often excessively needy and dependent. They often enmesh themselves with those around them and struggle with taking responsibility with their own lives. The ultimate threat self-punishers can make is that they will kill themselves.

Sufferers - Eat the food I cooked for you. I needed it for myself. I wonder what will happen now. Sufferers are blamers and guilters who expect us to figure out what they want and ensure that they get it. Sufferers take the position that if they feel miserable, sick, unhappy, or are just plain unlucky, we are expected to help them – even if they haven’t told us how. They let us know, in no uncertain terms, that if we don’t help, they will suffer, and it will be our fault. Sufferers are pre-occupied with how awful they feel, and often they interpret our inability to read their minds as proof that we don’t care enough about them.

Tantalizers - Eat the food I cooked for you and you just may get a really great dessert. Tantalizers put us through a series of tests and hold out a promise of something wonderful if we’ll just give them their way. They are the subtlest controllers. They encourage us and promise love or money or career advancement, and then make it clear that unless we behave as they want us to, we won’t get the prize. Many tantalizers promise emotional payoffs full of love, acceptance, family closeness and healed wounds. Admission to this nirvana requires one thing: giving in to what the tantalizer wants.
These styles, of course, are not mutually exclusive - they can overlap.

[Questions]
1. What type of controller (Punishers, Self-punishers, Sufferers, or Tantalizers) you are more afraid of? Why?
2. Why people are easy to be emotionally blackmailed and unable to escape from the dilemma?
3. Have you ever been emotionally blackmailed by your parent, boss or partner and how did you deal with it?

********************************************************************************************************************************************
Agenda:
6:45 ~ 7:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
7:00 ~ 7:10pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
7:10 ~ 7:50pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
7:50 ~ 8:10pm Summarization (20 mins)
8:10 ~ 8:25pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
8:25 ~ 9:05pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
9:05 ~ 9:25pm Summarization (20 mins)
9:25 ~ 9:30pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements ********************************************************************************************************************************************
聚會日期:列於該貼文主題內
聚會時間:當天請準時於 6:45 pm 到達 ~ 約 9:30 pm 左右結束
星期二聚會地點:丹堤濟南店
地址、電話:台北市濟南路三段25號 (02) 2740-2350
捷運站:板南線 忠孝新生站 3 號出口
走法:出忠孝新生站 3 號出口後,沿著巷子(忠孝東路三段10巷)走約 2 分鐘,到了濟南路口,左轉走約 2 分鐘即可看到。
最低消費: 80 元

注意事項:
1. 文章是否需要列印請自行斟酌,但與會者請務必自行列印 Questions for discussion。
2. 與會者請先閱讀過文章,並仔細想過所有的問題,謝謝合作!


給新朋友的話:
1. 請事先準備 2~3 分鐘的英語自我介紹;會議結束前可能會請你發表 1~2 分鐘的感想。
2. 請事先閱讀文章以及主持人所提的討論問題,並事先寫下自己所欲發表意見的英文。
3. 全程以英語進行,參加者應具備中等英語會話能力,對任一討論問題,能夠以 5 到 10 句英文表達個人見解。
4. 在正式加入之前,可以先來觀摩三次,觀摩者亦須參與討論。正式加入需繳交終身會費 NT$1,000。
最後由 Andy 於 週三 9月 20, 2017 9:27 pm 編輯,總共編輯了 1 次。
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Re: 9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional blackmail (Andy

文章Rock » 週一 9月 18, 2017 11:24 am

Hey, I just figured out that I'm a sufferer. Pity.... :cry:
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
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Re: 9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional blackmail (Andy

文章Michael-liu » 週一 9月 18, 2017 11:14 pm

Here are some examples of emotional blackmail words:

1. If it was not for you, I would have divorced your dad long time ago!

2. I did it for your own good. 我這樣做還不是為了你好

3. I originally did not plan to have you born. 本來是不想生下你的

4. I have done so much for you, how could you leave me?
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Re: 9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional blackmail (Andy

文章Rock » 週二 9月 19, 2017 5:44 pm

After reading the definition again, I realize that a sufferer is not me.
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
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Re: 9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional blackmail (Andy

文章Andy » 週三 9月 20, 2017 9:24 pm

依附型態 (Attachment Style)

安全依附型態(secure attachment):
認為自己是可愛的、值得被愛的,他人也是值得信任且會給予自己回應的,這種人在人際關係中能夠獨處,同時也能享受親密。

焦慮依附型態(preoccupied attachment):
這一種類型的人對自己的看法是負面的,對自己沒有信心,覺得自己不值得被愛;但他們卻對其他人抱持著正向的看法,認為他人是值得相信的。但是這種人因為對自己的自卑,認為其他人比自己好,因此在關係中很擔心會被拋棄,必須不斷尋求他人認同以獲得肯定。

排除依附型態(dismissing attachment):
這種人對自己抱持著正向的看法,但是卻不信任其他人,為了保護自己,他們會逃避和他人建立親密關係,傾向於保持界線與獨立。

逃避依附型態(fearful attachment):
這一類型的人,對於自我和他人都帶著負向的看法,認為自己不值得被愛,他人也難以信任,雖然他們希望獲得他人的肯定,但為了避免預期中的傷害,他們會逃避關係來保護自己。

Source: http://pansci.asia/archives/99789
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Re: 9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional blackmail (Andy

文章Andy » 週三 9月 20, 2017 9:26 pm

情緒勒索 (Emotional Blackmail)

施暴型(Punishers) :
這類型的『情緒勒索』最易辨識,只要不順從他們,他們就會怒髮衝冠,語帶威脅或是生悶氣。『不聽我的話,就請走人』是他們的格言。

自虐型(Self-punishers) :
這類型的人常會操縱別人,傳遞出『如果不照著他的要求去做,他將會很沮喪,甚至無法活下去』的訊息來警告他人。他們常把生活搞得一團亂,甚至會傷害自己,或採取自殺的舉動。

悲情者(Sufferers):
他們在無法遂其所願時,常會表現出沮喪、沉默,好讓人察覺其苦處,但卻避談真正的原因,表面上好像他們很脆弱,但卻是『沉默的暴君』。

欲擒故縱型(Tantalizers):
這類型的『情緒勒索』會先釋出正面的訊息,並且允諾關於愛情、親情、友情、錢財或升遷的要求,然後再告訴他人,如果不順從他們的要求,便什麼都拿不到。

Source: https://meg4477.blogspot.tw/2007/05/
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Re: 9/19 (Tue.) Attachment Style / Emotional blackmail (Andy

文章Andy » 週三 9月 20, 2017 9:27 pm

Attendee (16):
Andy, Debby, Momo, Tina, Shirley, Way, Christine, Rock, Yvonne, Wenhan, James, Ryan, Alex, Liwen, Joseph, Luis

Thanks for coming and sharing your ideas! :D
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