7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)
發表於 : 週六 6月 30, 2018 9:01 am
The Real Reason Why Happy People Cheat
(https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitne ... cheat.html)
in addition to reading the following article, it is advisable to watch the Ted talk listed in the reference[1] and read the original essay referred in this article if you have time .
---------------------------------------------------------
Cheating is something that couples deal with more often than we’d ever expect. But it happens, and most would consider it the worst form of betrayal. It can easily be blamed on a flawed marriage, a lack of love, etc. But what about marriages that are seemingly perfect? The truth is, happy people also cheat. And one therapist believes she’s discovered why.
Infidelity is viewed differently around the world
In the United States, infidelity is a reason to leave a relationship. But in other parts of the country, it’s upsetting but not destroying. Therapist Esther Perel wrote in her essay for The Atlantic[2] that she spoke with women all around the world about their thoughts on what infidelity meant to their relationship. In Paris, cheating was a sensitive subject that quite a few women had been involved in (on one side or the other). In Bulgaria, women saw cheating as “unfortunate but inevitable.” And in Mexico, women were more empowered today than they had ever been to stand up to the men who cheat. But it’s not always the men who cheat in this modernized Western world.
Cheating does not always signal an unhappy marriage
The most difficult thing with cheating is trying to understand why it happened. Yes, there are some marriages that are in serious distress and lead people to stray. But some spouses are incredibly happy — and claim to be in love — but still cheat. In Perel’s article, she describes counseling a young woman who was in the middle of an affair but had nothing bad to say about her husband or marriage. And that’s where it gets difficult to pinpoint the cause of an affair. If things seem perfect, why cheat?
The concept of ‘marriage’ has changed through the years — and so have our thoughts on infidelity
Marriage is not what it used to be. Years ago, marriage was about economic stability and reproducing rather than finding lifelong love with a partner[3]. But today, people expect all that and more. And when infidelity does occur, it’s often the biggest betrayal possible in a marriage because there was so much packed into one partnership. People used to stray because they were not married for love and didn’t have free reign over who their spouse would be. But in this modern day, we have the ability to choose our partner and fall in love, yet cheating still exists. And because of that, it has become something so destroying that many marriages don’t last once infidelity occurs.
Happy people sometimes consider affairs to be a form of ‘self-discovery’
The reason happy people cheat could be one thing: self-discovery. It might not have anything to do with their partner or the marriage. In Perel’s article, the woman she was working with had a seemingly perfect life, but it hadn’t always been that way. She didn’t let loose as a child or ever explore her sexual options. She married young and worked full time to help support her family. And although her family was tight-knit, something was still missing, which Perel believes is the reason she strayed with a man she’d never consider a life partner — she merely wanted to explore another option.
The reasons for cheating might differ, but they often involve self-discovery
The particular reason why happy people cheat might vary from one person to another, but self-discovery can often be the root cause — even if people don’t realize it at the time. When Perel asks her clients why they cheat, they often say they don’t know. But after delving into their pasts, it sometimes becomes clear: They’re searching for a new version of themselves — a version that they once had and lost or were never able to find[4].
Cheating often involves something called the ‘streetlight effect’
The streetlight effect is the idea that we search for an answer in the easiest spot rather than where it might actually be — the same way a drunk person would search for their lost keys under a streetlight rather than in the darkness, where they might actually be. When affairs are found out, the partner who was cheated on always takes it personally. This is likely because it’s easier for the cheater to blame a failed marriage as the reason rather than search within themselves for the actual reason. But with self-discovery, it usually has nothing to do with the other person.
Social media is playing a big role
It’s easier to reconnect with old flames now than it ever was before. All it takes is a simple friend request to either reconnect with someone from the past or get to know someone new. Even high-profile people are not immune to cheating via social media. And with more people joining Facebook and Instagram, the social media cheating likely won’t subside any time soon. Perel explained that she has seen many people who have cheated after reconnecting with past romances on websites like Facebook.
But marriages are still salvageable, even after infidelity
Although Perel stresses that she does not condone affairs, she does say that just because an affair occurs does not mean the marriage is doomed. But instead of burying the past, she encourages couples to rebuild their relationship from it. She explains in her article that it does take a strong marriage to be able to come back from something like that, but it’s possible. The most important thing is not burying the affair or creating a “don’t ask, don’t tell” vibe in the relationship. It’s about opening up about the affair and starting brand new after it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some paragraphs excerpted from Perel's essay regarding "self-discovery":
"Secluded from the responsibilities of everyday life, the parallel universe of the affair is often idealized, infused with the promise of transcendence. For some people, like Priya, it is a world of possibility—an alternate reality in which they can reimagine and reinvent themselves. Then again, it is experienced as limitless precisely because it is contained within the limits of its clandestine structure. It is a poetic interlude in a prosaic life."
"The quest for the unexplored self is a powerful theme of the adulterous narrative, with many variations. Priya’s parallel universe has transported her to the teenager she never was. Others find themselves drawn by the memory of the person they once were. And then there are those whose reveries take them back to the missed opportunity, the one that got away, and the person they could have been. "
"The sociologist Zygmunt Bauman wrote that in modern life, "there is always a suspicion … that one is living a lie or a mistake; that something crucially important has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored; that a vital obligation to one’s own authentic self has not been met, or that some chances of unknown happiness completely different from any happiness experienced before have not been taken up in time and are bound to be lost forever."
"Bauman speaks to our nostalgia for unlived lives, unexplored identities, and roads not taken. As children, we have the opportunity to play at other roles; as adults, we often find ourselves confined by the ones we’ve been assigned or the ones we have chosen. When we select a partner, we commit to a story. Yet we remain forever curious: What other stories could we have been part of? Affairs offer us a view of those other lives, a peek at the stranger within. Adultery is the revenge of the deserted possibilities."
More information on this topic:
[1]rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved (TED talk)
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_ ... ever_loved
[2]Why Happy People Cheat
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ar ... at/537882/
[3]"The Bridges of Madison County" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gigCQkSon2s )
[4]"Unfaithful" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMfkY9fAOCc )
[5]"Genome editing with CRISPR" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPHPzOrEDR4)
[6]"Monogamy gene found in people" (https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn ... in-people/)
Questions
Session I
1. What is your definition of infidelity? Do you regard sexting, watching porn, and staying secretly active on dating apps as unfaithful? Do you see cheating as “unfortunate but inevitable” or it is a reason to leave a relationship?
2. If you are now in a relationship, which of the following roles do you think your partner qualified for: your greatest lover, the best friend, your trusted confidant, your emotional companion and your intellectual equal? which of the above do you care the most?
3. What does marriage mean to you? Is it more like an economic enterprise with duty and obligation or a companionate one with love and affection?
4. Do you agree that self-discovery which is usually has nothing to do with the other person but searching for a new version of oneself is the root cause for cheating in a happy relationship? or you believe that cheating is cheating, whatever fancy New Age labels put on it. It’s just cruel, selfish, and dishonest?
Session II
5. Do you see the same as Zygmunt Bauman, the sociologist, that as adults, we are often confined by the ones we’ve been assigned or the ones we have chosen? Have you ever wondered if something crucially important in your life has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored?
6. The therapist noticed from the cases she dealt with that affairs with exes have proliferated because of the social media. Knowing that, would you allow your partner to be friend with his/her ex on social media? What will you do if you receive an "Add friend" invitation from your ex?
7. Going through psychological counseling may be able to salvage your marriage from being doomed after infidelity. However, there might be another option. Geneticists claim to have isolated the genes responsible for vole monogamy. If genetic therapy can be used to turn Don Juan/Ginliang Pan into a loyal and loving husband/wife, would you suggest that every couple should have a screen for related genes and receive genetic therapy if needed before getting married([5][6])?
*******************************************************************************************************************************************
Agenda:
3:50~ 4:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
4:00 ~ 4:20pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
4:20 ~ 5:00pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
5:00~ 5:20pm Summarization (20 mins)
5:20 ~ 5:30pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
5:30~ 6:10pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
6:10~ 6:30pm Summarization (20 mins)
6:30 ~ 6:40pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements ********************************************************************************************************************************************
聚會日期:列於該貼文主題內
聚會時間:請準時 4:00 pm 到 ~ 約 6:30 pm 左右結束
星期六聚會地點:丹堤濟南店
地址、電話:台北市濟南路三段25號 地圖 (02) 2740-2350
捷運站:板南線 忠孝新生站 3 號出口
走法:出忠孝新生站 3 號出口後,沿著巷子(忠孝東路三段10巷)走約 2 分鐘,到了濟南路口,左轉走約 2 分鐘即可看到。
最低消費: 80 元
注意事項:
1. 文章是否需要列印請自行斟酌,但與會者請務必自行列印 Questions for discussion。
2. 與會者請先閱讀過文章,並仔細想過所有的問題,謝謝合作!
給新朋友的話:
1. 請事先準備2~3分鐘的英語自我介紹;會議結束前可能會請你發表1~2分鐘的感想。
2. 請事先閱讀文章以及主持人所提的討論問題,並事先寫下自己所欲發表意見的英文。
3. 全程以英語進行,參加者應具備中等英語會話能力,對任一討論問題,能夠以5到10句英文表達個人見解。
4. 在正式加入之前,可以先來觀摩三次,觀摩者亦須參與討論。正式加入需繳交終身會費 NT$1,000。
(https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitne ... cheat.html)
in addition to reading the following article, it is advisable to watch the Ted talk listed in the reference[1] and read the original essay referred in this article if you have time .
---------------------------------------------------------
Cheating is something that couples deal with more often than we’d ever expect. But it happens, and most would consider it the worst form of betrayal. It can easily be blamed on a flawed marriage, a lack of love, etc. But what about marriages that are seemingly perfect? The truth is, happy people also cheat. And one therapist believes she’s discovered why.
Infidelity is viewed differently around the world
In the United States, infidelity is a reason to leave a relationship. But in other parts of the country, it’s upsetting but not destroying. Therapist Esther Perel wrote in her essay for The Atlantic[2] that she spoke with women all around the world about their thoughts on what infidelity meant to their relationship. In Paris, cheating was a sensitive subject that quite a few women had been involved in (on one side or the other). In Bulgaria, women saw cheating as “unfortunate but inevitable.” And in Mexico, women were more empowered today than they had ever been to stand up to the men who cheat. But it’s not always the men who cheat in this modernized Western world.
Cheating does not always signal an unhappy marriage
The most difficult thing with cheating is trying to understand why it happened. Yes, there are some marriages that are in serious distress and lead people to stray. But some spouses are incredibly happy — and claim to be in love — but still cheat. In Perel’s article, she describes counseling a young woman who was in the middle of an affair but had nothing bad to say about her husband or marriage. And that’s where it gets difficult to pinpoint the cause of an affair. If things seem perfect, why cheat?
The concept of ‘marriage’ has changed through the years — and so have our thoughts on infidelity
Marriage is not what it used to be. Years ago, marriage was about economic stability and reproducing rather than finding lifelong love with a partner[3]. But today, people expect all that and more. And when infidelity does occur, it’s often the biggest betrayal possible in a marriage because there was so much packed into one partnership. People used to stray because they were not married for love and didn’t have free reign over who their spouse would be. But in this modern day, we have the ability to choose our partner and fall in love, yet cheating still exists. And because of that, it has become something so destroying that many marriages don’t last once infidelity occurs.
Happy people sometimes consider affairs to be a form of ‘self-discovery’
The reason happy people cheat could be one thing: self-discovery. It might not have anything to do with their partner or the marriage. In Perel’s article, the woman she was working with had a seemingly perfect life, but it hadn’t always been that way. She didn’t let loose as a child or ever explore her sexual options. She married young and worked full time to help support her family. And although her family was tight-knit, something was still missing, which Perel believes is the reason she strayed with a man she’d never consider a life partner — she merely wanted to explore another option.
The reasons for cheating might differ, but they often involve self-discovery
The particular reason why happy people cheat might vary from one person to another, but self-discovery can often be the root cause — even if people don’t realize it at the time. When Perel asks her clients why they cheat, they often say they don’t know. But after delving into their pasts, it sometimes becomes clear: They’re searching for a new version of themselves — a version that they once had and lost or were never able to find[4].
Cheating often involves something called the ‘streetlight effect’
The streetlight effect is the idea that we search for an answer in the easiest spot rather than where it might actually be — the same way a drunk person would search for their lost keys under a streetlight rather than in the darkness, where they might actually be. When affairs are found out, the partner who was cheated on always takes it personally. This is likely because it’s easier for the cheater to blame a failed marriage as the reason rather than search within themselves for the actual reason. But with self-discovery, it usually has nothing to do with the other person.
Social media is playing a big role
It’s easier to reconnect with old flames now than it ever was before. All it takes is a simple friend request to either reconnect with someone from the past or get to know someone new. Even high-profile people are not immune to cheating via social media. And with more people joining Facebook and Instagram, the social media cheating likely won’t subside any time soon. Perel explained that she has seen many people who have cheated after reconnecting with past romances on websites like Facebook.
But marriages are still salvageable, even after infidelity
Although Perel stresses that she does not condone affairs, she does say that just because an affair occurs does not mean the marriage is doomed. But instead of burying the past, she encourages couples to rebuild their relationship from it. She explains in her article that it does take a strong marriage to be able to come back from something like that, but it’s possible. The most important thing is not burying the affair or creating a “don’t ask, don’t tell” vibe in the relationship. It’s about opening up about the affair and starting brand new after it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some paragraphs excerpted from Perel's essay regarding "self-discovery":
"Secluded from the responsibilities of everyday life, the parallel universe of the affair is often idealized, infused with the promise of transcendence. For some people, like Priya, it is a world of possibility—an alternate reality in which they can reimagine and reinvent themselves. Then again, it is experienced as limitless precisely because it is contained within the limits of its clandestine structure. It is a poetic interlude in a prosaic life."
"The quest for the unexplored self is a powerful theme of the adulterous narrative, with many variations. Priya’s parallel universe has transported her to the teenager she never was. Others find themselves drawn by the memory of the person they once were. And then there are those whose reveries take them back to the missed opportunity, the one that got away, and the person they could have been. "
"The sociologist Zygmunt Bauman wrote that in modern life, "there is always a suspicion … that one is living a lie or a mistake; that something crucially important has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored; that a vital obligation to one’s own authentic self has not been met, or that some chances of unknown happiness completely different from any happiness experienced before have not been taken up in time and are bound to be lost forever."
"Bauman speaks to our nostalgia for unlived lives, unexplored identities, and roads not taken. As children, we have the opportunity to play at other roles; as adults, we often find ourselves confined by the ones we’ve been assigned or the ones we have chosen. When we select a partner, we commit to a story. Yet we remain forever curious: What other stories could we have been part of? Affairs offer us a view of those other lives, a peek at the stranger within. Adultery is the revenge of the deserted possibilities."
More information on this topic:
[1]rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved (TED talk)
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_ ... ever_loved
[2]Why Happy People Cheat
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ar ... at/537882/
[3]"The Bridges of Madison County" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gigCQkSon2s )
[4]"Unfaithful" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMfkY9fAOCc )
[5]"Genome editing with CRISPR" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPHPzOrEDR4)
[6]"Monogamy gene found in people" (https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn ... in-people/)
Questions
Session I
1. What is your definition of infidelity? Do you regard sexting, watching porn, and staying secretly active on dating apps as unfaithful? Do you see cheating as “unfortunate but inevitable” or it is a reason to leave a relationship?
2. If you are now in a relationship, which of the following roles do you think your partner qualified for: your greatest lover, the best friend, your trusted confidant, your emotional companion and your intellectual equal? which of the above do you care the most?
3. What does marriage mean to you? Is it more like an economic enterprise with duty and obligation or a companionate one with love and affection?
4. Do you agree that self-discovery which is usually has nothing to do with the other person but searching for a new version of oneself is the root cause for cheating in a happy relationship? or you believe that cheating is cheating, whatever fancy New Age labels put on it. It’s just cruel, selfish, and dishonest?
Session II
5. Do you see the same as Zygmunt Bauman, the sociologist, that as adults, we are often confined by the ones we’ve been assigned or the ones we have chosen? Have you ever wondered if something crucially important in your life has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored?
6. The therapist noticed from the cases she dealt with that affairs with exes have proliferated because of the social media. Knowing that, would you allow your partner to be friend with his/her ex on social media? What will you do if you receive an "Add friend" invitation from your ex?
7. Going through psychological counseling may be able to salvage your marriage from being doomed after infidelity. However, there might be another option. Geneticists claim to have isolated the genes responsible for vole monogamy. If genetic therapy can be used to turn Don Juan/Ginliang Pan into a loyal and loving husband/wife, would you suggest that every couple should have a screen for related genes and receive genetic therapy if needed before getting married([5][6])?
*******************************************************************************************************************************************
Agenda:
3:50~ 4:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
4:00 ~ 4:20pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
4:20 ~ 5:00pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
5:00~ 5:20pm Summarization (20 mins)
5:20 ~ 5:30pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
5:30~ 6:10pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
6:10~ 6:30pm Summarization (20 mins)
6:30 ~ 6:40pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements ********************************************************************************************************************************************
聚會日期:列於該貼文主題內
聚會時間:請準時 4:00 pm 到 ~ 約 6:30 pm 左右結束
星期六聚會地點:丹堤濟南店
地址、電話:台北市濟南路三段25號 地圖 (02) 2740-2350
捷運站:板南線 忠孝新生站 3 號出口
走法:出忠孝新生站 3 號出口後,沿著巷子(忠孝東路三段10巷)走約 2 分鐘,到了濟南路口,左轉走約 2 分鐘即可看到。
最低消費: 80 元
注意事項:
1. 文章是否需要列印請自行斟酌,但與會者請務必自行列印 Questions for discussion。
2. 與會者請先閱讀過文章,並仔細想過所有的問題,謝謝合作!
給新朋友的話:
1. 請事先準備2~3分鐘的英語自我介紹;會議結束前可能會請你發表1~2分鐘的感想。
2. 請事先閱讀文章以及主持人所提的討論問題,並事先寫下自己所欲發表意見的英文。
3. 全程以英語進行,參加者應具備中等英語會話能力,對任一討論問題,能夠以5到10句英文表達個人見解。
4. 在正式加入之前,可以先來觀摩三次,觀摩者亦須參與討論。正式加入需繳交終身會費 NT$1,000。