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7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週六 6月 30, 2018 9:01 am
stephen185
The Real Reason Why Happy People Cheat
(https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitne ... cheat.html)

in addition to reading the following article, it is advisable to watch the Ted talk listed in the reference[1] and read the original essay referred in this article if you have time .
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Cheating is something that couples deal with more often than we’d ever expect. But it happens, and most would consider it the worst form of betrayal. It can easily be blamed on a flawed marriage, a lack of love, etc. But what about marriages that are seemingly perfect? The truth is, happy people also cheat. And one therapist believes she’s discovered why.

Infidelity is viewed differently around the world

In the United States, infidelity is a reason to leave a relationship. But in other parts of the country, it’s upsetting but not destroying. Therapist Esther Perel wrote in her essay for The Atlantic[2] that she spoke with women all around the world about their thoughts on what infidelity meant to their relationship. In Paris, cheating was a sensitive subject that quite a few women had been involved in (on one side or the other). In Bulgaria, women saw cheating as “unfortunate but inevitable.” And in Mexico, women were more empowered today than they had ever been to stand up to the men who cheat. But it’s not always the men who cheat in this modernized Western world.

Cheating does not always signal an unhappy marriage

The most difficult thing with cheating is trying to understand why it happened. Yes, there are some marriages that are in serious distress and lead people to stray. But some spouses are incredibly happy — and claim to be in love — but still cheat. In Perel’s article, she describes counseling a young woman who was in the middle of an affair but had nothing bad to say about her husband or marriage. And that’s where it gets difficult to pinpoint the cause of an affair. If things seem perfect, why cheat?

The concept of ‘marriage’ has changed through the years — and so have our thoughts on infidelity

Marriage is not what it used to be. Years ago, marriage was about economic stability and reproducing rather than finding lifelong love with a partner[3]. But today, people expect all that and more. And when infidelity does occur, it’s often the biggest betrayal possible in a marriage because there was so much packed into one partnership. People used to stray because they were not married for love and didn’t have free reign over who their spouse would be. But in this modern day, we have the ability to choose our partner and fall in love, yet cheating still exists. And because of that, it has become something so destroying that many marriages don’t last once infidelity occurs.

Happy people sometimes consider affairs to be a form of ‘self-discovery’

The reason happy people cheat could be one thing: self-discovery. It might not have anything to do with their partner or the marriage. In Perel’s article, the woman she was working with had a seemingly perfect life, but it hadn’t always been that way. She didn’t let loose as a child or ever explore her sexual options. She married young and worked full time to help support her family. And although her family was tight-knit, something was still missing, which Perel believes is the reason she strayed with a man she’d never consider a life partner — she merely wanted to explore another option.

The reasons for cheating might differ, but they often involve self-discovery

The particular reason why happy people cheat might vary from one person to another, but self-discovery can often be the root cause — even if people don’t realize it at the time. When Perel asks her clients why they cheat, they often say they don’t know. But after delving into their pasts, it sometimes becomes clear: They’re searching for a new version of themselves — a version that they once had and lost or were never able to find[4].

Cheating often involves something called the ‘streetlight effect’

The streetlight effect is the idea that we search for an answer in the easiest spot rather than where it might actually be — the same way a drunk person would search for their lost keys under a streetlight rather than in the darkness, where they might actually be. When affairs are found out, the partner who was cheated on always takes it personally. This is likely because it’s easier for the cheater to blame a failed marriage as the reason rather than search within themselves for the actual reason. But with self-discovery, it usually has nothing to do with the other person.

Social media is playing a big role

It’s easier to reconnect with old flames now than it ever was before. All it takes is a simple friend request to either reconnect with someone from the past or get to know someone new. Even high-profile people are not immune to cheating via social media. And with more people joining Facebook and Instagram, the social media cheating likely won’t subside any time soon. Perel explained that she has seen many people who have cheated after reconnecting with past romances on websites like Facebook.

But marriages are still salvageable, even after infidelity

Although Perel stresses that she does not condone affairs, she does say that just because an affair occurs does not mean the marriage is doomed. But instead of burying the past, she encourages couples to rebuild their relationship from it. She explains in her article that it does take a strong marriage to be able to come back from something like that, but it’s possible. The most important thing is not burying the affair or creating a “don’t ask, don’t tell” vibe in the relationship. It’s about opening up about the affair and starting brand new after it.
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Some paragraphs excerpted from Perel's essay regarding "self-discovery":

"Secluded from the responsibilities of everyday life, the parallel universe of the affair is often idealized, infused with the promise of transcendence. For some people, like Priya, it is a world of possibility—an alternate reality in which they can reimagine and reinvent themselves. Then again, it is experienced as limitless precisely because it is contained within the limits of its clandestine structure. It is a poetic interlude in a prosaic life."

"The quest for the unexplored self is a powerful theme of the adulterous narrative, with many variations. Priya’s parallel universe has transported her to the teenager she never was. Others find themselves drawn by the memory of the person they once were. And then there are those whose reveries take them back to the missed opportunity, the one that got away, and the person they could have been. "

"The sociologist Zygmunt Bauman wrote that in modern life, "there is always a suspicion … that one is living a lie or a mistake; that something crucially important has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored; that a vital obligation to one’s own authentic self has not been met, or that some chances of unknown happiness completely different from any happiness experienced before have not been taken up in time and are bound to be lost forever."

"Bauman speaks to our nostalgia for unlived lives, unexplored identities, and roads not taken. As children, we have the opportunity to play at other roles; as adults, we often find ourselves confined by the ones we’ve been assigned or the ones we have chosen. When we select a partner, we commit to a story. Yet we remain forever curious: What other stories could we have been part of? Affairs offer us a view of those other lives, a peek at the stranger within. Adultery is the revenge of the deserted possibilities."

More information on this topic:
[1]rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved (TED talk)
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_ ... ever_loved
[2]Why Happy People Cheat
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ar ... at/537882/
[3]"The Bridges of Madison County" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gigCQkSon2s )
[4]"Unfaithful" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMfkY9fAOCc )
[5]"Genome editing with CRISPR" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPHPzOrEDR4)
[6]"Monogamy gene found in people" (https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn ... in-people/)

Questions
Session I
1. What is your definition of infidelity? Do you regard sexting, watching porn, and staying secretly active on dating apps as unfaithful? Do you see cheating as “unfortunate but inevitable” or it is a reason to leave a relationship?

2. If you are now in a relationship, which of the following roles do you think your partner qualified for: your greatest lover, the best friend, your trusted confidant, your emotional companion and your intellectual equal? which of the above do you care the most?

3. What does marriage mean to you? Is it more like an economic enterprise with duty and obligation or a companionate one with love and affection?

4. Do you agree that self-discovery which is usually has nothing to do with the other person but searching for a new version of oneself is the root cause for cheating in a happy relationship? or you believe that cheating is cheating, whatever fancy New Age labels put on it. It’s just cruel, selfish, and dishonest?

Session II
5. Do you see the same as Zygmunt Bauman, the sociologist, that as adults, we are often confined by the ones we’ve been assigned or the ones we have chosen? Have you ever wondered if something crucially important in your life has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored?

6. The therapist noticed from the cases she dealt with that affairs with exes have proliferated because of the social media. Knowing that, would you allow your partner to be friend with his/her ex on social media? What will you do if you receive an "Add friend" invitation from your ex?

7. Going through psychological counseling may be able to salvage your marriage from being doomed after infidelity. However, there might be another option. Geneticists claim to have isolated the genes responsible for vole monogamy. If genetic therapy can be used to turn Don Juan/Ginliang Pan into a loyal and loving husband/wife, would you suggest that every couple should have a screen for related genes and receive genetic therapy if needed before getting married([5][6])?

*******************************************************************************************************************************************
Agenda:
3:50~ 4:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
4:00 ~ 4:20pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
4:20 ~ 5:00pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
5:00~ 5:20pm Summarization (20 mins)
5:20 ~ 5:30pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
5:30~ 6:10pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
6:10~ 6:30pm Summarization (20 mins)
6:30 ~ 6:40pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements ********************************************************************************************************************************************
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Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週五 7月 06, 2018 6:54 am
stephen185
Please be advised that question 7 has been edited to reflect the host's incredible obsession with genetic technology.

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週五 7月 06, 2018 11:23 am
Janice Wang
The Ted talk posted in the reference is amazingly stunning! With the speaker’s expertise and provision of vivid examples, meticulous comparisons and precise depth perception which explicitly elucidated how an affair in multifaceted development might impact a marriage , a person’s mentality and health in the long run. The tips she posed in her speech seem constructive, but implies that marriages don’t end because of infidelity; but how infidelity is dealt with. A concept that takes time to set in.

I recently just finished a Netflix TV show, La Forêt, which happened to have a character with subplots that are related to this topic. As the show went on, aside from ferreting out the murderer, my main focus and rage were all over on a cheating guy. What on earth would that guy put everything and everyone that complete him behind just to wallow in the pleasure of cheating? None of the reasons could justify his action and his grounds were completely untenable. I think that it doesn’t matter if one is happy or not, which perfectly depicts “People are happy when cheating” until getting busted, and “ selfishness” outmatches “self-discovery”!

As we all know, in a relationship, no one is impeccable, the one we chose to tie the knot is supposed to be the most compatible one with us. We believe our commitment immense enough to encompass profound failure, our love large enough to bear tolerable foibles and flaws, and our mutual understanding long accustomed to acceptable discrepancies in marriage. However, betrayal surely is off-limits. In addition, to apply “genetic therapy” to simultaneously prevent and cure infidelity is hard to fathom, harder to assimilate. I’ll leave the decision and definition of infidelity to the eyes of the beholder!

Nowadays, modern technology, social media, and an open attitude towards sex serve as accomplices of a betrayal-prone relationship; however, the real perpetrator to an endangered marriage is one’s reckless behavior and self-indulgence. There is not a one-size-fit-all way to salvage an imperiled relationship. To me, when one breaks the vow, I’ll definitely show him the way out!

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週五 7月 06, 2018 1:12 pm
stephen185
Janice Wang 寫: In addition, to apply “genetic therapy” to simultaneously prevent and cure infidelity is hard to fathom, harder to assimilate. I’ll leave the decision and definition of infidelity to the eyes of the beholder!


Hi, Janice, thanks for your response. The genetic therapy mentioned is involved with a genetic technology called "Genome editing[5]". Genetic scientists have found that there is a gene section which is linked to how men bond with their partners[6]. Theoretically, if someone's gene section at that corresponding spot is characterized with "weak partner bonding", this section can be modified to/replaced with a "strong partner bonding" one through genome editing. And that will turn this person into a loyal partner in a relationship.

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週五 7月 06, 2018 4:27 pm
Janice Wang
Stephen, thanks for broadening my vision and enriching the knowledge of “Genome editing”. I guess a GMH/GMW ( Genetically Modified Husband/Wife) will soon become available. Hooray ! Great news for those singles! Yet, It might be too late and/or too cruel for a married couple to know an unexpected test result!

Hope there is a scientific consensus over controversies and disagreements among scientists, and there will be no adverse effect to overall health. As of today, conflicts and confrontations are still on-going over GMOs.

TGIF

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週五 7月 06, 2018 7:52 pm
Kooper
stephen185 寫:Please be advised that question 7 has been edited to reflect the host's incredible obsession with genetic technology.

Yeah, I was surprised to see a non-genetic topic from you. :shock: :D

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週五 7月 06, 2018 10:22 pm
Kooper
This topic reminds me of an old one about an emerging form of marriage; in an open marriage, each of the couple is free to date, even to form a relationship with a third person. Their definition of infidelity is no doubt unique from the common ones.

Using self-discovery as one of the main reasons of adultery sounds novel but it’s at the same time hard to swallow, at least for some people. To them, this could be nothing but a lousy excuse to justify a wrongdoing or glamorize a guilt.

Nowadays people, be they adults or minors, are encouraged to explore all of their potential talents, find passion, enrich life experiences, and broaden their horizons. The cost, and maybe shame, of missing the boat surpasses the possible damages left in the wake of pursuing an opportunity. Changing career directions several times in one’s life is no longer uncommon. The idea of gap year is getting popular. All these point to one trend – we are entering an era where there’s no such thing as long-term settlement, and marriage could be no exception.

In the future infidelity may no longer be a problem to fix through genetic therapy, because future generations are more likely to think of marriage as a burden than a pleasant commitment. They could also be more willing to accept the idea of an open relationship. In that world, two-timers will break free from stigma and become just a neutral term.

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週六 7月 07, 2018 9:17 am
stephen185
Kooper 寫:This topic reminds me of an old one about an emerging form of marriage; in an open marriage, each of the couple is free to date, even to form a relationship with a third person. Their definition of infidelity is no doubt unique from the common ones.

In the future infidelity may no longer be a problem to fix through genetic therapy, because future generations are more likely to think of marriage as a burden than a pleasant commitment. They could also be more willing to accept the idea of an open relationship. In that world, two-timers will break free from stigma and become just a neutral term.

Esther Perel also talked about this in her TedTalk(13:53): "Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to. " So, for those who choose open marriage, they do separate monogamy from infidelity in a unique way that common people don't usually follow. And with the idea that I deserve to be happy prevailing in this era, people seem to be more reluctant to yield to the constraints that may imperil their free, happy lives. They would feel harder to make commitments and likely to regard marriage as a burden.

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週六 7月 07, 2018 10:00 am
Iris Wu
Once again, an intriguing topic with well-selected studying materials and a series of most sensible questions show the quality of YoYo!

I wish I had more time to think and comment, but here are some primitive thoughts:

“What is the infidelity and why it still occurs in a happy marriage/relationship?” The subject was studied by quite a few psychologists and sociologists. It has contemporary implications in the modern age; it deserves the attention and self-reflection from everyone, or “who has ever loved” and shouldn’t be just the beholders of infidelity because it goes beyond the my-way-of-dealing-it kind of reactions.

I would start with the thinking of basic human nature. A sense of personal value or being appreciated about our value is a very key point of our existence. Falling in love is similar to many other things in our lives; it is circumstantial, meaning it happens at a right time with a right person who appreciates most of my value at that moment and of course usually it’s mutual.

Life unfolds, from school to office, from student to wife/husband or mom/dad, your role changes and your environment changes, your other values emerge which were not presented before. Now comes another person who appreciate your new values/qualities, and in the meantime, your marriage (or relationship) may be settled into a stable, predictable but not revitalizing stage, then the new “admirer” will cause some confusion, stirring up the feelings; maybe that’s the “self-discovery” described by psychologists, but for me, “self-discovery” is too much of a word, I think for most people, it was just the sense of being appreciated in the areas that your partner/spouse is not sensing any more.

For a “happy couple” with healthy relationship, this should be a bit easier to fix. I believe a rational person will consider the overall implications in this scenario, just like Meryl Streep did in “The Bridge of Madison County”. Most people (at least, most women I know of :) ) would think that the same “fallout” is likely to occur in the new relationship. Your value will one day fade away even with this new “admirer/pursuer”, so you will fix your marriage/relationship and re-connect with your spouse and to re-assess the value of your spouse and re-adjust yourself to present your multifaceted value. I think if it is worked out right, it will strengthen the relationship/marriage, but of course, if the relationship is shaky, then, it will be much easier for the new admirer/pursuer to lure you away.

As far as using the CRISPR technology to cut and repair the “partner bonding gene”, I am just wondering:
1) Is the repaired gene working for general concept of “partner”? If your partner passed away, does the gene continue working for “that partner” and people will remain as a widow/widower?
2) Can the gene tell if you have good partner or bad partner? If you unfortunately get a bad partner, and you really want to break up the relationship, will the modified gene force you to stay loyal to this relationship and live miserably?

Finally, I am not convinced that people feel happy when cheating. I think the happiness is not coming from cheating; it is more from the warm feelings of being appreciated by another person. For a marriage to remain strongly bonded, we do need to re-assess and re-adjust how we see our partner, how we appreciate them and how we want to be appreciated in a more open manner, not assumed.

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週六 7月 07, 2018 2:21 pm
Kooper
Wow, I want to tip my hat to Janice and Iris. Your essays, both the wording and the ideas in them, cast mine into the shade. 8) :o

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週六 7月 07, 2018 9:09 pm
Kooper
Attendees(18): Andy, Antonio, Apple, Dan, David Jr., Felicidad, Gloria, Iris, John, Kooper, Leon, Luis, Michael, Ramesh, Sabrina, Stephen(Host), Steve, Summer

Re: 7/7 (Sat) Why Happy People Cheat (Host: Stephen)

文章發表於 : 週日 7月 08, 2018 10:08 am
stephen185
Some members brought up the issue of "Adultery Decriminalization" during the meeting. According to a public opinion poll held by the National Development Council (NDC) in 2015, Eighty-eight percent of the participants said they want adultery to be kept as a criminal act in Taiwan's law books[7] . While some people may have an impression that adultery is not a crime in the United States, it actually is still illeagal in 21 states, including New York, where Trump lives[8].

[7] https://chinapost.nownews.com/20150612-36145
[8] http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la ... story.html