11/14 (Tue.) Play it Cool and Strong Vulnerability (Host: Iris)

[Iris Wu]

“Should we play it cool when we’re interested in someone?”

Today’s lighthearted topic was inspired by the so-called “Jason’s 5 Tricks”, which are the rules in Jason’s playbook when pursuing or being pursued by a girl in the early stage of a new relationship. (Yes, our ex-president Jason.)
We will share the “top secret” of the 5-tricks in the meeting. Let’s see if these “tricks” work their magic for everyone.

In the video, it is suggested that playing it cool is likened to walking on the ice - it might backfire and leave us out in the cold, potentially missing out on valuable opportunities. Instead, the video advises us that “strong vulnerability” is the best policy.

What exactly does strong vulnerability mean? How can “vulnerability” become strong and powerful? It goes against our conventional wisdom that vulnerability is weakness. Typically, we put on masks or armor up when we feel vulnerable.

Let’s explore what Brené Brown, a renowned social studies professor and one of the most viewed TED Talk speakers, has to say about the power of vulnerability.

Reference Materials
Should We Play It Cool When We Like Someone? Questions for Discussion
Session I: Play it Cool
Q1: What do you think about “Jason’s Five Tricks”? Why do people “play it cool” at the early stage of a new relationship?

Q2: Do you think “playing it cool" or “maintaining a lukewarm relationship” is a good strategy in the beginning of a new relationship?
2a) Did it work for you or people you know of?
2b) How do you know if someone is playing it cool with you?
2c) How would you respond to it?

Q3: In the first video, why did the speaker suggest “being vulnerable” over “playing it cool” to your crush? What was your experience in your romance? What advice would you give to someone who wants to capture their crush's attention?

Session II: The Power of Vulnerability
Brené Brown: The Most Eye-Opening 14 Minutes Of Your Life Q4: Does “vulnerability” equate to weakness or flaws? Are there specific societal norms or expectations that discourage us from showing our vulnerability? What would most people do when they feel challenged or underperforming?

Q5: It makes more sense that vulnerability is kind of the core of fear, shame, and our struggle for worthiness. Why did Dr. Brene Brown say vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, and creativity/innovation?

Q6: Real-world examples of "strong/powerful vulnerability" - Are there any celebrities, politicians, or business leaders who have successfully shown vulnerability while maintaining trust and earning greater respect? How do they achieve that?

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Agenda:
6:45 ~ 7:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
7:00 ~ 7:10pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
7:10 ~ 7:45pm Discussion Session (35 mins)
7:45 ~ 8:00pm Summarization (15 mins)
8:00 ~ 8:05pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 5 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
8:05 ~ 8:40pm Discussion Session (35 mins)
8:40 ~ 8:55pm Summarization (15 mins)
8:55 ~ 9:00pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements

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Meeting Date: As shown on the Subject Line
Meeting Time: 7:00pm – 9:00pm
Meeting Venue: 丹堤咖啡 Dante Coffee (Minimum Order $85)
Address: 台北市濟南路三段25號[MAP]-捷運忠孝新生站3號出口步行3分鐘

Important Notes:
1. We advise participants to print out the discussion questions and bring them to the meeting for reference. As for the supporting articles, feel free to print them out, as well, according to your preference.
2. We suggest that participants read the articles and think about the questions in advance.
3. Newcomers should prepare a two-to-three minute self-introduction in English to deliver when called upon by the host before the start of the discussion. The host may also ask you to give brief feedback about the meeting at the conclusion of the meeting.
4. We conduct the entire meeting in English. All participants should have at least moderate English-conversation skills and be able to articulate your ideas for each discussion question.
5. We welcome newcomers and other guests to attend the meetings and join the discussion freely for two times. After that, we hope you will consider becoming a YoYo English Club member. We charge a NT$1500 lifetime membership fee, or NT$1000 for students.

[Luis Ko]

if you do like a person, why do you have to play it cool?? i always think if they like you, they like you. if they don't like you, they don't. in my opinion, playing it cool is kind of playing hard to get. only if you know they are fond of you and you are not that interested in them you would play it cool to let them be into you more, so that you will have the upper hand in the relationship. otherwise, if you are really into them and know they also like you, or you are not sure their situation, or do know they are not interested in you, then what's the point to play it cool?? unless it's because of your vulnerability! personally i did play cool when i was young. it was fun really. after i got mature, i always got to the point soon, if not directly. sometimes i would be viewed as a weirdo, if not pervert. then after i get old, i become kind of vulnerable. i'm merely trying my best to keep connected, but never meant to play it cool again.

to be honest, i'm really baffled by this two videos about vulnerability. if calling too soon usually equates manic independence, or if playing cool is because one is afraid of being rejected and don't want to be viewed as manic independence, if the above are considered as a weakness then, i would say, that is vulnerability. and if you are able to manage the confess well like the video mentioned, with self-confidence and independence, admitting your fear and not frightened, and then fully survive a rejection, then you are not vulnerable. it's not vulnerability at all, not even "strong vulnerability". then why the definition of vulnerability becomes "uncertainty", "risk" and emotional exposure"? isn't it supposed to be one's inability to deal with "uncertainty", "risk" and "emotional exposure"!? it seems to me these invented ideas are just like "Texas sharpshooter" kind of stuff. you invent a term and then you put a desired meaning on it.

right, maybe my English sucks so i don't get the videos. i really need to hear what you guys will say about it then.

[Rock]

I guess the YouTuber of the first video have the idea from his/her own experience, not a research or study. Calling someone too soon in the early stage can mean many things, and showing dependence is sometimes true, but not always.

The video is about "playing games", so it makes sense that the YouTuber see it that way becase they surely has a lot of experiences. It works for experienced players like them; it may not work for not so experienced people, like Luis . As for me, I'd just get paralyzed and give up.

[Iris Wu]

To address Luis' questions, I had to draw metrics to list all the scenarios and tried to “analyze” his assumptions and arguments. (Give some credit to the diligent host! )

Honestly, I had similar doubts and could not comprehend the concepts of “strong vulnerability” and her line of reasoning.

After listening to a few of her interviews, and book summaries, and engaging in some discussion on Buddhism in another group, I came to realize that the key is to acknowledge our fundamental human nature, which includes our weaknesses and imperfections. This is the first step of personal/spiritual development, self-awareness, and genuine acceptance. Vulnerability is one of these inherent imperfect traits.

Then, embrace the weakness and develop your strategies to overcome it. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have the weakness once you overcame it. We had “fear”, but we acknowledged the fear, and then developed the courage to overcome it. When others see you are courageous, it doesn’t mean you have courage and do not have fear.

[Iris Wu]

[... apologize for my long messages...]

So, I believe that vulnerability exists deeply in everyone’s mind. Strong vulnerability, in my interpretation, entails acknowledging it, embracing it, and meeting it with one’s authentic self. Just as you expressed your thoughts in your comments, I think you might feel vulnerable to question the videos, the speeches, and the arguments, but you dare yourself to challenge these ideas, and that shows your true self in the process.

I think we are all engaging in something similar in our lives, though we may not apply it in every challenge we encounter. Some conquer their fear of public speaking, while others overcome their leadership challenges. Some of us merely become more open to criticism. Strong vulnerability has taken various forms in our personal growth journeys.

[Iris Wu]

[... break up the messages into three parts to spare you from enduring the lengthy and boring contents...]

In relationships, when things are uncertain, we are all vulnerable to rejection. Playing it cool, playing hard to get, or opening our vulnerability are only the supporting mechanisms. In reality, we all know to create and present our values to gain affection or admiration.

Our values may be recognized or may be, in the worst case, “trashed”. If the latter, we will need to face our vulnerability, and “somehow” learn to self-validate and affirm our values, regardless of the outcome. We “somehow” transform vulnerability into power.

If we pose questions like “How to do that?”, or comment that these personal coaches or spiritual leaders did not offer any “workable solutions”, we are likely to be disappointed. They often reply something like this: In Buddhism, Buddha tells everyone a story, and the answers depend on your own worldview, shaped by your previous lifetimes of practice. I had asked those questions and felt embarrassed for my ignorance and felt extremely helpless. No wonder, it’s called “self-development”!

[stephen185]

...
to be honest, i'm really baffled by this two videos about vulnerability. if calling too soon usually equates manic independence, or if playing cool is because one is afraid of being rejected and don't want to be viewed as manic independence, if the above are considered as a weakness then, i would say, that is vulnerability. and if you are able to manage the confess well like the video mentioned, with self-confidence and independence, admitting your fear and not frightened, and then fully survive a rejection, then you are not vulnerable. it's not vulnerability at all, not even "strong vulnerability". then why the definition of vulnerability becomes "uncertainty", "risk" and emotional exposure"?

I am as well uncertain that I fully understand the definition of vulnerability as "uncertainty", "risk", and "emotional exposure". Yet, I think what the speaker meant to say is vulnerability always INVOLVEs uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. As to "strong vulnerability", in the video, this term was interpreted, especially in the situation of revealing your true feeling to someone you would like to build a relationship with, as the capability of uniting self-confidence and independence, namely the strength, and self revelation and constraint of closeness, that is the weakness or vulnerability. Therefore, the "strongly vulnerable" people can tell the admired ones of their immense desire for them while simultaneously leaving them the idea that they could fully survive a frank rejection. It seems to me that the word "strong" here refers to the attitude towards one's own vulnerability instead of describing the characteristic or the degree of the vulnerability.

[Leon]

Most of the time, we could see this world in opposite way.
People who play it cool are vulnerable.
People who looks vulnerable are self-confident.

[Iris Wu]

Wow! I am feeling vulnerable about hosting this meeting now!

Hey Rock, I'm sure you picked that name for a reason! If anyone tried to play hard to get with you, I bet you would not budge an inch.

Stephen, your comment, "'strong' here refers to the attitude towards one's own vulnerability", brings to mind General MacArthur’s Prayer for His Son:
“Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid.”

Well said, Leon!
People are often far more intricate than what meets the eye.