“No matter whom you choose to marry, a marriage will always be a mistake. A long-lasting marriage is to make the best of a bad bargain.” (“婚姻怎麼選都是錯,長久的婚姻就是將錯就錯”)
The statement sounds full of wisdom!
But first, let’s narrow down the scope of this discussion. We are excluding adultery, abuse or any kind of serious unethical issues in a relationship. Let’s focus on a normal/ordinary kind of partnership. I am sure some happy couples would challenge this topic, but I think they belong to the “endangered species,” living in heaven! Let’s exclude them, too!
The title of the meeting seems bleak and grim. Are we trying to encourage married couples to jump ship or discourage singles from settling down? Hopefully what we take away from this meeting is the opposite: Be more realistic, well-prepared and resilient to accommodate ourselves to “wrongness”!
Theme Song:
“You will Marry the Wrong Person”: A song by Tom Rosenthal
https://soundcloud.com/tomrosenthal1/yo ... ong-person
Notes:
Marriage/Relationship is a very personal subject. It is even more sensitive than political or religious topics. We can approach this subject from a more general standpoint and share the stories of our relatives, friends and co-workers. And we know all the tales we share are either fiction or stories from our neighbors!
Suggested Reading and Resources:
- a.“Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person” by Alain de Botton, the most read New York Times article of 2016
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opin ... erson.html
b. “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”, Alain de Botton’s Talk at Google Zeitgeist
(VoiceTube video with subtitle in English and Chinese, 22 min.)
https://tw.voicetube.com/videos/52794
c. Maintain self-awareness and boundaries in a marriage:
https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.co ... -marriage/
https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/rel ... -marriage/
- Summary of the speech (“Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”, Alain de Botton’s Talk at Google Zeitgeist):
1) None of us will find the right person!
2) Why?- a. We are very strange. We are hard to live with. We don’t know (see/hear) our own flaws.
b. We keep us away from ourselves. We did not spend time with ourselves or talking to our true self.
c. So we cannot properly relate to others because we don’t truly understand ourselves.
3) Why love is so tricky?- a. We don’t want to say “I need you”. We don’t want to admit that deep inside, we are just a small child. We don’t want to show our vulnerability!
b. We became avoidant. We don’t express ourselves clearly. We don’t reveal our needs to our partner.
c. We need to learn to love! To love is a skill to learn. It’s not an instinct.
To love is to have the willingness to interpret someone’s on the surface behavior to unfold some benevolent reasons.
To love needs to apply charity and generosity of interpretation. The willingness to interpret another’s behavior.
d. We are bad at recognizing that whoever we love is going to be a perplexing mixture of the good and the bad.
e. We all have perfectionism tendency:
“Love is not just admiration of strength. It is also the tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence.”
f. Childhood experience impacts: We thought we were looking for happiness, but we may be looking for familiarity, sometimes the familiar suffers, too!
We rejected the “right persons” who cannot give us the same sufferings we were familiar with, and we want this kind of suffering, too!
g. We believe love is a right for us only when our partner knows what we need and how we feel without saying!
h. Because the belief, it leads to “sulking” a method we use constantly to ‘silently protest” or demand what we want without clearly explain/communicate it!
4) Solutions:- a. We are all incompatible: Love is to accommodate each other(‘s incompatibility)!
b. Learn to teach: We should learn to communicate what we want/how we feel, to teach our partner about that, but not in a way to make them small (criticize)!
c. On receiving side: we need to learn that when our partner tries to “teach/tell” us something, it’s not attacking us!
d. Negotiate our perfectionism: We should accept “good-enough”! We cannot have both “Perfection and company”. We need to accept the need to negotiate imperfection on daily basis!
e. Forget about changing ourselves (our types/personality/characteristics)! It’s impossible.
f. What we can do is to change how you characteristically respond to your tricky types!
g. We should recognize an ability of compromise. “Compromise” is a great trait, nothing wrong with it.
h. We are just humans! “Don’t berate yourself for doing what humans do.”
- a. We are very strange. We are hard to live with. We don’t know (see/hear) our own flaws.
1) Do you think you are easy to get along and easy to live with (for a long-term relationship)? Why or why not?
2) Do you think most people knew their partner well enough when they decided to get married? Why?
3) What are the reasons for couples to get married? Any examples for the “right reasons” and “wrong reasons”?
4) The author said we often rejected “certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right— too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable… such rightness feels foreign.” Do you agree with the statement? Any experience/stories to share?
5) Do most people marry to make a nice feeling permanent? Is there anything wrong with this expectation?
Session II: Self-awareness, Boundaries, and Negotiating Skills in a relationship
1) Self-awareness: “In order to make a partnership work, you have to get to know yourself better.”
- 1.1) What does Self-awareness include?
1.2) How much do you understand your own identity, character, values, needs, desires, and beliefs?
1.3) Why is it hard to communicate these to your significant other/your family? What are the consequences?
- 2.1) What are your bottom lines/boundaries in an ideal relationship? (e.g. your cooperation level to fussy demands, your freedom to certain things?)
2.2) Please share any stories that you know of a bad marriage which was affected by boundary issues.
- 3.1) How do you and your partner deal with “disagreement”? What could be improved?
3.2) Who do you know is the ideal person who can “negotiate differences intelligently”? How do they achieve that?
****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Meeting Agenda:
6:45 ~ 7:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
7:00 ~ 7:10pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
7:10 ~ 7:50pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
7:50 ~ 8:10pm Summarization (20 mins)
8:10 ~ 8:25pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
8:25 ~ 9:05pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
9:05 ~ 9:25pm Summarization (20 mins)
9:25 ~ 9:30pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements ****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
聚會日期:列於該貼文主題內
聚會時間:當天請準時於 6:45 pm 到達 ~ 約 9:30 pm 左右結束
星期三聚會地點:丹堤濟南店
地址、電話:台北市濟南路三段25號 地圖 (02) 2740-2350
捷運站:板南線 忠孝新生站 3 號出口
走法:出忠孝新生站 3 號出口後,沿著巷子(忠孝東路三段10巷)走約 2 分鐘,到了濟南路口,左轉走約 2 分鐘即可看到。
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注意事項:
1. 文章是否需要列印請自行斟酌,但與會者請務必自行列印 Questions for discussion。
2. 與會者請先閱讀過文章,並仔細想過所有的問題,謝謝合作!
給新朋友的話:
1. 請事先準備 2~3 分鐘的英語自我介紹;會議結束前可能會請你發表 1~2 分鐘的感想。
2. 請事先閱讀文章以及主持人所提的討論問題,並事先寫下自己所欲發表意見的英文。
3. 全程以英語進行,參加者應具備中等英語會話能力,對任一討論問題,能夠以 5 到 10 句英文表達個人見解。
4. 在正式加入之前,可以先來觀摩三次,觀摩者亦須參與討論。正式加入需繳交終身會費 NT$1,000。