We are going to discuss a framework given by Mark Manson to explore the concept of maturity and what it means to grow up. The article is quite long with similar concepts being repeated and a bit unstructured. But the framework is interesting to discuss. Unless you got plenty of time, I suggest you just read the following summary.
Reference article "How to Grow Up"
https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up
Summary:
Mark Manson's article "How to Grow Up" provides a framework that distinguishes the mindsets of a child, an adolescent, and an adult.
Here's a concise explanation of this framework:
1. Child: At this stage, individuals are primarily driven by immediate pleasure and pain. They explore the world to understand what feels good and what doesn't, forming basic value judgments based on these experiences.
2. Adolescent: An adolescent learns that strictly pursuing your own pleasure and avoiding pain can cause problems. Actions have consequences. You must negotiate your own desires with the desires of those around you. You must play by the rules of society and authority, and then you will, more often than not, be rewarded. The adolescent applies rules and principles to her decision making in a way that a young child cannot. All actions are transaction/bargaining based. Everything is seen as a trade-off.
3. Adult: Adulthood is the realization that sometimes an abstract principle is right and good for its own sake. The same way that the adolescent realizes there is more to the world than the child's pleasure or pain, the adult realizes that there is more to the world than the adolescent's constant bargaining for validation, approval, and satisfaction. The adult does what is right for the simple reason that it is right. . Adulthood occurs when one realizes that the only way to conquer suffering is to become unmoved by suffering. Adulthood occurs when one realizes that it's better to suffer for the right reasons than to feel pleasure for the wrong reasons. Adulthood occurs when one realizes that it's better to love and lose than to never love at all.
Value:
An adolescent will say that she values honesty—because she has learned that saying so produces good results—but when confronted with the difficult conversations, she will tell white lies, exaggerate the truth, and fail to stand up for her own self-worth.
An adolescent will say he loves you. But his conception of love is that he gets something in return (probably sex), that love is merely an emotional swap meet, where you each bring everything you have to offer and haggle with each other for the best deal.
An adolescent says she is generous. But when she does favors and gives gifts, it’s always done conditionally, with the unspoken idea that she will receive something in return at some later date.
An adult will be honest for the simple sake that honesty is more important than pleasure or pain. Honesty is more important than getting what you want or achieving a goal. Honesty is inherently good and valuable, in and of itself. An adult will love freely without expecting anything in return because an adult understands that that is the only thing that can make love real. An adult will give without expectation, without seeking anything in return, because to do so defeats the purpose of a gift in the first place.
So the little kid steals the ice cream because it feels good, oblivious to the consequences. The older child or adolescent stops himself from stealing it because he knows it will create worse consequences in the future. But his decision is ultimately part of a bargain with his future self: “I'll forgo some pleasure now to prevent greater future pain.”
But it's only the adult who doesn't steal for the simple principle that stealing is wrong. And to steal—even if they got away with it!—would make them feel worse about themselves.
What levels are your values are?
The truth is, it's hard to detect what level our values are on. This is because we tell ourselves all sorts of elaborate stories to justify what we want. A gambling addict will compulsively pursue the thrills of making and losing money, but in his head, he's invented a convincing story about how he's going to win everything back and show everyone he's not a loser (adolescent bargaining) or that he's actually doing this for the good of his family (adult virtue).
This is bullshit, of course. He simply can't help himself.
It's clear, then, that we can't trust our own interpretations of our actions. There's a small mountain of psychological evidence to support this: we feel something first, then we justify it later with some story we tell ourselves. And that story is usually highly biased and vastly overestimates how noble and selfless we were.
Therefore, we must learn to distrust our thoughts. We must become skeptical of the interpretations of our own actions. Instead, we must focus on the actions themselves.
Thoughts can lie. Interpretations can be changed or forgotten. But actions are permanent.
Therefore, the only way to get at your values—to truly understand what you value and what you do not—is to observe your actions.
Discussion Questions for Session 1:
1. By this framework, most of the people walking around in the world are adolescents, or worse, a bunch of over-sized children. What do you think?
2. Can you identify a moment in your life when you transitioned from a child-like mindset to an adolescent one?
3. What are the main challenges in moving from an adolescent mindset to an adult one?
4. Reflecting on your own life, do you see aspects of child, adolescent, and adult mindsets in your current behavior? How do they manifest?
Discussion Questions for Session 2 about Value system.:
1. Can you recall a specific experience from your childhood that significantly influenced one of your core values?
2. What are some values you held in the past that you no longer find important? Why did they change?
3. How do you think your life would be different if you prioritized different values?
4. What do you think is the most challenging part of developing and sticking to a personal value system?
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Agenda:
3:45 ~ 4:00pm Greetings & Free Talk / Ordering Beverage or Meal / Getting Newcomer’s Information
4:00 ~ 4:10pm Opening Remarks / Newcomer’s Self-introduction / Grouping
(Session I)
4:10 ~ 4:50pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
4:50 ~ 5:10pm Summarization (20 mins)
5:10 ~ 5:15pm Regrouping / Instruction Giving / Taking a 10 Minutes Break (Intermission)
(Session II)
5:15 ~ 5:55pm Discussion Session (40 mins)
6:00 ~ 6:20pm Summarization (20 mins)
6:20 ~ 6:30pm Concluding Remarks / Announcements
Meeting Date: As shown on the Subject Line
Meeting Time: 4:00pm – 6:30pm
Meeting Venue: 丹堤咖啡 Dante Coffee (Minimum Order $85)
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